No More

I went for a walk today.

It seemed to be the only fitting way to celebrate the end of such a beautiful day.

I set off alone with no destination in mind

And was quickly distracted with thoughts.

For the past few weeks,

I’ve been slightly frustrated but mostly confused as to why God chooses to

Put something in my life and then take it away.

I’ve spent a great deal of time

Questioning it and

Trying to figure it out on my own

Because that’s what I do—I want to make sure things get fixed

Just incase God forgets about it or doesn’t make His way back to me.

 (Even though I know these thoughts are completely silly.)

So, here I was walking,

Staring at the ground,

And having this little chat with God

While yet again trying to rationalize everything that has happened

When I stumbled upon a dead possum

That had been run over on the side of the road.

I missed it by a few inches

As my heart skipped a beat

While my respiration rate increased.

It was a horrendous sight

And all of a sudden, I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

But as I was walking around it,

I noticed the breeze—the breeze that had been there all along

But that I was too busy to notice.

I was dumbfounded.

Why am I always worrying and trying to fix things

When God is always there?

How could I ever think that He could forget about me?

He has never forgotten to change the seasons at their due time

Or makes the flowers bloom

And like Matthew 6:26 says,

“Aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?”

To be honest,

I feel quite selfish to have wanted answers from God

When I know that God’s timing is perfect

And I know he has everything planned out.

God himself says,

"For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

So no more doubting or questioning,

Whether good or bad,

I trust you God.

Dearest Southern

Dearest Southern,

You have been good to me, almost too good if that’s possible. In fact, you make it hard to return home. We had a rough start and those things I’ve said about you, I take them all back. I don’t know what brought us together. There is no other rational explanation than to give God the credit. He always knows what is best for me, despite how bad things seem to be.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting upon this past year and it is amazing how God has worked in my life especially when I was searching for Him because I didn’t think He was there. I had a really rough start to college. I was essentially friendless because I didn’t come from the network of academies and my heart wanted to be somewhere else. On top of that, I couldn’t find myself. I didn’t know who I was or what I stood for. I essentially hated life my first semester, and I hated God for making me suffer like He did because at the time, I thought it was all pointless. I was miserable and I didn’t see any benefit to any of it. If at some point in the first semester, someone would have told me that I could get up and transfer, I would have been out of here in the blink of an eye. But God didn’t let me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but God was establishing my faith that first semester. I have never had an experience in my life where I strayed away from God but neither had I ever felt a real relationship with Him until now. I began to see Him in every aspect of my life. I saw His guiding hand and I saw His love for me in every part of my day. Sometimes God lets us fall, but He always catches us before we hit the bottom.

Every day of first semester, I had questioned God, “Why am I here? I don’t belong.” But though I feel like I fell a long, long, long way, He has raised me up to be ten times higher, stronger, and happier than where I was before. He has blessed me in too many ways to count; I don’t feel deserving of it.

The biggest blessing in my life is the people He has brought into my life. Making friendships from scratch was really tough. For the longest time, I didn’t feel like myself. I was strangely quiet though there was a lot that I wanted to say and I simply lost all thought processes when I found myself in a conversation. I literally would forget words. It didn’t help that when I did feel comfortable people didn’t seem to understand my jokes, quirkiness, or simply my train of thought. All I wanted was to go home to my friends that I knew would understand me. But again, God had different plans for me and though I was bitter at the time, looking back, you have no idea how thankful I am for that.

My friends here are like none other. I love them so much. They have helped me embrace myself and my “free” spirit and taught me to be comfortable in my skin.

Like friends do, they accepted my weird self. They laugh when I say stupid stuff, understand when I didn’t think anyone else would (especially when I can’t formulate my thoughts into sentences), and act weird with me instead of judging me. Most importantly, they have taught me to embrace myself. It’s those differences, those quirks, that make me, me and those are the things they love me for.

Southern, you have become my home away from home. You have become a place that is my own (even though I have to share you with about 3,000 other students). You make it hard to say goodbye knowing that I may not see some of my friends ever again on this earth, but I know we’ll have the best reunion ever in heaven!

It’s crazy how much one can grow so fond of a place and grow so close to people after just one year. It’s scary to know that I have to leave and I’m not coming back next year. I’m overwhelmed with emotions of excitement for adventures that lie ahead of me in Europe next year, but sad because of the goodbyes left to said before my journey starts and knowing that I will not be here with the rest of my friends next school year while life goes on.

As this year ends, I realize that I still have a lot of room to grow. My faith in God is tested every day. I definitely don’t understand the things that are happening my life, but like I have learned here, I am going to trust God because I know He has it all planned out.

Southern, you have been the best thing that has happened in my life, without a doubt. Here, I have made life-long memories with unforgettable people that I will miss more than words can possibly express. Thank you for everything, the good and the bad. You have brought me to where I’m standing today.

Love,

Karolinka

Too Good to be True (Not!)

At my church,

At some point in the service,

It is not uncommon to hear the question -

“Have you been blessed this week?”

I feel as though in the past I have always answered yes to that question.

But I answered yes

Because I didn’t want to disappoint God

Or make Him think I was ungrateful.

People at church would always talk about how they felt God’s love

And I always was jealous of them

Because I wanted to experience that unexplainable love that oozed out of them and the blessings they spoke of.

In these past two weeks,

 I have felt so blessed.

I now know what those people in my church were talking about.

Words can’t even come close to describing the feeling of being blessed.

In fact, it’s overwhelming.

Why?

It’s everything!

God didn’t provide me with a check large enough to pay for my school this year

But over and over He has faithfully shown me His love through every little thing in my day,

Which means more to me than any sum of money.

Examples:

Life.

He wakes me up every morning

And leads me through every single stressful minute of my day.

And When I’m at the peak of my stress and feel helpless, not quite sure how I will possibly finish my to-do list,

He makes everything fall into place.

School.

I go to an amazing school

Where every morning I am privileged to walk on the promenade

Amidst the white blooming trees

And the flowers that God sends us every spring

Accompanied by the rising sun.

And it’s here that I have the privilege of gaining a profound education from respectable professors

In a Christian setting.

I love that classes start out with prayers

And everything returns to and is focused on God.

It returns our focus to where it should be in the first place.

Friends.

In addition to being at am amazing school, I have made super cool friends here.

No for real, they are the coolest.

They make me laugh so hard that no sound comes out and I can’t breath

And they don’t judge me

No matter how cheesy I may be, how weird my laugh may come out,

Or what stupid thing may blurt out of my mouth.

(Or at least they judge me lovingly.)

They must be heaven sent because there is no other explanation.

Hockey.

The hockey intramural season just ended

And though we lost every single game,

It was the most fun I have ever had playing a sport

Not to mention with the coolest girls on campus!

Soccer.

The soccer intramural season is starting this week.

I am so excited to run around like a maniac

While chasing an inflated leather sphere

On a vast field in the beautiful outdoors that God created.

(Yes, I am aware, I love running a little too much.)

Running.

The fact that God has given me the ability to walk nonetheless run

Whether it be

Through the flooded greenway,

Pouncing in puddles,

Or even on the plain, dry pavement

Brings me such joy.

Stargazing.

I spent Friday night stargazing with friends

While talking about God.

Simply amazing.

Conversations.

My entire weekend was spent talking about God.

I cannot explain how uplifting that was.

If only you could have experienced how fired up these conversations were.

I saw my friends on fire for God.

And it was inspiring.

Sophomore year.

Next year, I’m studying abroad in France!

What, what?!

Yea, I still can’t believe it.

Distractions.

I have breakfast with friends on days of A&P quizzes

To get some final minute studying done

But without fail, we always get sidetracked by amazing conversations about God.

And if you knew me,

You would know that I would normally freak out if I don’t get my studying done

But I am perfectly content with our distractions

Because it’s the best distraction -

God.

So, as you can imagine,

The list goes on and on

As do God’s blessings.

And His blessings fill me up with His overflowing love.

I was sitting in church today

And I found myself smiling.

Not because the speaker said something funny

Or I saw a friend

But because I could feel God’s love.

 It makes me so happy that it seems too good to be true

But get this

(this is the best part)

It's not too good to be true.

I wish I could explain it better

But words are not sufficient enough to explain any aspect of God

Nonetheless His love.

However, this Bible verse will suffice.

“You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

-Psalms 4:7-8

It constantly baffles me that God would choose to bless me, a sinner.

But then I remember that that is Satan trying to get me distracted

However, that fails because God’s love is unrestricted, undeniable, and unending.

Experiencing it these past two weeks

And seeing how real He is has made me realize that

I never want to leave His umbrella of love and protection.

You can stand under His umbrella-ella-ella (ay, ay, ay) too!

And the best part is that there is always more room.

Nothing Compares

How many times do you skip your daily devotion with God because

a)    you’re too tired in the morning

b)   too busy during the day

c)    too tired right before you go to bed, or

d)   rather do something else when you are actually free?

I don’t know how many times I’ve done it so

I’ll simply plead guilty.

And I hate speaking for others

But I’m sure you do too.

God loved us so much

That He died on the cross so that we may live

(Even before we were even born!)

And how do we show our gratitude?

Chan illustrates our actions nicely.

“God gets a scrap or 2 only because we feel guilty for giving Him nothing.”

How ridiculous is that?!

We give Him only what is left of us on a busy day.

Never a full devotion or bible study.

Just a mumbled prayer as we are half asleep.

Why?

Because we are greedy.

People are greedy.

We are only interested in what we want.

That’s how it has always been.

When the priests in Malachi’s day were preparing for the offering,

They would pick out the spotless animals

And not sacrifice them to God

But instead keep them for themselves.

The less desirable, or second best, was given to God.

This totally applies to our actions today.

And we’ve got it all wrong.

“God wants our best,

Deserves our best,

And demands our best.”

But do we give him our best?

Sadly, no.

We get caught up so quickly in our worlds.

Sometimes we don’t even notice when it happens

Because we are so engrossed.

Take me for example.

First semester I was miserable and bitter.

Every day I woke up and questioned God

Why He had allowed me to make the decision to come to Southern.

And because of that,

I was missing the point.

By getting caught up in my frustration,

I didn’t allow myself to see or love God.

Thankfully God is a God of grace

“His mercies are new every morning.” Lamentations 3

Because without it,

We would be lost.

Eternally.

So, our mission is to love God.

How important is love you ask?

Well, Paul claims that if “I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

1 Corinthians 13:2-3

“According to God, we are here to love. Not much else really matters.

Following Christ isn’t something that can be done halfheartedly or on the side.

It is not a label we can display when it is useful.

It must be central to everything we do and are.

Most of our thoughts are centered on 

the money we want to make,

the school we want to attend,

the body we aspire to have,

the spouse we want to marry,

the kind of person we want to become…

But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God;

It’s about eternity,

And nothing compares with that.”

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

We need to get our priorities straight.

Yes, school is important

But will it guarantee your eternal life?

Your worldly desires and possessions may get you in the “in-crowd”

But will it get you into heaven?

So, our relationship with God is now bumped to the top of our list.

But how do we love?

What does he want from us?

Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 (below)

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never end… faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Now, re-read the passage but ever time you read the word “love”,

Replace it with your name.

And that is how we are to love.

When we love God,

When we are truly in love with Him,

Our love will spill over into every aspect of our lives

And people will see that.

They will be drawn to it

And most importantly, drawn to Him.

So now think about this:

“Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants?

Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?

Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter,

Unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?”

Loving God won’t be easy.

God even admits it.

“The road is narrow and few will find it.”

But He also says,

“What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Luke 18:27

So, love the Lord with all your heart and soul and strength.

Love with no end

As He has loved you.

See the sparrows in the sky?

When you graduate high school and start college,

I guarantee your thoughts will be consumed by one question.

“What am I doing?”

As in, “What classes should I be taking?”

“What should I major in?”

“Where am I going to school?”

“Should I transfer?”

The scary thing is,

You never know what the right decision is.

You may think you know, but how would you?

There could be other possibilities out there that may be better, quicker, or more suited for you that you may not even know about.

I feel like lately, I have been pressured to make one decision after another.

I hate it because I don’t know which one to take and which one to decline.

I always think about how different my life could be depending on which decision I make and that is terrifying.

I could make or break my life in one decision?

Scary.

Why am I given such power?

I’ve had several conversations about the future and decision making with people in the past week.

And though I talked to different people,

Someone always ended up saying something along these lines:

I am so overwhelmed with decisions.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

The only thing I do know is that I need to put my faith in God.

He has to lead the way because I have no idea where I’m going.

I won’t lie,

Having faith can be very difficult.

My faith has been tested to the extremes this semester.

And for the longest time I was frustrated and bitter thinking

WHY?!

Why God have you put me in this situation?

Why did you let me make this horrible decision?

At low points, I dared to question God’s love for me.

I can’t believe how wrong and selfish

that was of me.

Silly me.

 I was so caught up in my selfish lifestyle that I didn’t realize that God’s actions were all out of

Love. 

First of all, God does not let us go through anything that we cannot handle.

And second, He loves us with an indescribable love

So He will not put us through anything unnecessary.

Everything has a purpose.

In fact Chan says it nicely,

“Even though we could die at any moment and generally think our puny lives are pretty sweet compared to loving Him,

He persists in loving us with unending, outrageous love.”

Outrageous love.

I like the sound of that.

It just gives me comfort to know that He loves me no matter what.

No matter what decisions I make,

Whether I decide to become a doctor and am really successful

Or am a failure and have a job that provides me barely enough to live week to week

 Because his love is

Unending

And

Without exceptions.

There is a song (“Everlasting” by Hillsong)

That I have been listening to a lot lately and it gives me comfort in times of decisions.

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

He will always love me and forgive me

No matter what my decisions are or what they lead to.

And on top of that,

Because He loves me,

I know that He will guide me to do the right thing

Or lead me through the experiences that I need in order to grow.

I just need to have faith.

If your faith is growing weary

Because you feel like God isn’t there or doesn’t care,

Think about these lyrics from “It’s Alright” by Melissa Otto.

“[God] said,

“Oh you of little faith,

See the sparrows in the sky,

Unaccompanied by the cares of the wild...

How much more to me are you worth than these?”

He loves you,

(more than the birds in the sky)

Cares about you,

(more than the birds which He provides with everything they need)

And will help you through every decision

If you just have faith

And take time to listen to Him.

So take time out of your hectic schedule,

To not talk to God but

To be still and

Just listen.

 

He will point you in the right direction.

He will never fail you.

He Loves You For You

Every time I step outside of my dorm room,

I see friends embracing and spending time together,

And couples cuddling.

I’ll admit it,

I’m jealous.

You know the feeling.

The desire to fit in, to have a place,

A place where your understood and accepted for you.

When I’m here, I feel like I’m missing it.

Love.

Naturally, it’s what we want, what we yearn for.

We spend our whole lifetime searching for it.

As babies, we search for love from our parents by being held close,

As children, we search for it through their praise and approval,

As teens, we search for their support, quality time with friends, and begin to desire attention from a significant other,

As young adults, we search for friends and a soul mate,

And as parents, we search for appreciation from our families.

It is contact with people that we want.

But people often fail us.

Why?

Because

“No one is righteous--not even one.”

-Romans 3:10

People make mistakes, they sin, and they hurt us in the process.

When that happens, we turn to others

And they may temporarily help us, but along the road, we get hurt again

Whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Catch 22.

It’s a never-ending cycle

That we constantly toss ourselves into.

We constantly get caught up in our failure to find love from our parents, friends, 

or our crush (which is appropriately named)

That we forget about God’s love for us.

God’s love is

Pure

as in there is no greater, stronger, untainted love!

Unlimited

as in it has no boundaries or exceptions!

Everlasting

as in it has no end!

God’s love is so great that He left His comfort zone in heaven on His throne to experience all of the pain and temptations of life.

So great that He died the most painful death.

(I know that you know that, but just contemplate for a second how big of a sacrifice He made.)

So great that it is unfathomable,

So great that we have a hard time grasping it.

It’s easy for us to think that God forgets about us because 

we don’t physically see Him, 

spend time with Him, or are able to embrace Him.

However, that is no reason to underestimate His love.

The Bible is full with proof of His love.

Example:

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,”

-Jeremiah 1:4

God didn’t just create the process of reproduction,

He takes the time to form each one of His creations.

He knows us before we are even born,

Before we existed,

Before our parents, who created us, knew us.

Now think about this:

If He knew us before they did, and if our parents are the people that love us the most,

How much more is His love for us than our parent's love for us?!

It’s indescribable.

Mom and Dad, I love you,

But your love doesn’t even compare to the love God has for me.

That is pretty amazing.

So, when you realize how great His love is,

You might be afraid,

Afraid of messing up and losing His love.

But don’t fear.

Our God is a God of mercy.

His mercy is free.

It is a gift;

It cannot be earned.

It is never ending.

Over and over again, He forgives us and takes us back because of His love for us.

The best part about God’s love for us is that is not forced.

It is His choice to love us.

God (pure and holy) willingly, voluntarily decides to love us (dirty sinners).

He wants us even though we disregard Him,

 Even though we need Him

But usually don’t really want Him.

He always loves us though we don’t always reciprocate.

Without even knowing, we search everywhere for a love as great as His,

But it’s right in front of us.

He is always by our side,

waiting for the day that we except Him into our life.

So, I have realized that I don’t need to search any longer or be jealous anymore.

Why?

 Because I do have someone that loves me.

Someone that loves me more than any person on this earth even has the ability to,

unconditionally, 

no matter where I am or at what point I may be in my life—high or low.

I have a God that loves me.

He knows me inside out and He still loves me.

He loves me when I fail,

He loves me when I make a fool of myself,

He loves me when I mess up,

He loves me when I sin

And He always takes me back.

Not only does He love me despite all my mistakes and sins,

He is thee only one that will love me to that extent!

God, I love you.

Not for your blessings in my life or your gift of eternal life.

Just you.

Attention Worry Warts and Chronic Stressers: Rejoice!

I’m a professional at messing up.

Seriously, it’s not even funny.

I trip on my own two feet, I run into people, I can’t keep my facts straight, 

I stutter,

I talk without thinking

and I always say the wrong thing.

But worst of all, I sin.

Over and over, I make mistakes.

And when I mess up, I forget to focus on God.

I get frustrated because I can never get it right. And I see a trend with that.

I am always at my lowest when I’m drifting away from God, when I’m stressed and caught up with my life, leaving no time for my daily time with God.

I hate that when my day gets busy,

My time with God, devoted to reading the Bible and praying, is the thing that gets cut out.

I am ashamed of that.

That shouldn’t even be a possibility.

I can do without an A on my next A&P quiz in order to spend time with God.

When I talk to my dad on the phone, he always asks me how things are going.

I tell him about my current stresses brought on by school.

He is glad that I am a devoted student and I don’t settle for less than my best but you know what he always tells me?

In his broken English, he says,

“School and your education are important but they won’t get you into heaven.”

It brings me back to reality and reminds me of what my real purpose in life 

should be.

As I started to read Chapter 2 of “Crazy Love”, 

these exact thoughts were confronted.

(God’s timing for everything is perfect.)

“Rejoice in the Lord always…Do no be anxious about anything.”

Phil. 4:4&6

Chan uses this verse to show us that God does not want us to get consumed by the stresses of this world. He points out that this is a command; this is what God wants us to do. And when we let the world get to us and we focus on our lives, our stresses, and our worries, we are in essence telling God that “our circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that [we] have a “right” to disobey God because of the magnitude of [our] responsibilities.”

He also makes a brilliant point about worry and stress.

I can’t say it any better, so here it is in his words:

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.”

I am straight up ashamed to think that my actions convey these thoughts to God when I worry or when I stress.

 After everything He has done for me, this is how I show my “thanks”?

Our lives are short.

You might be thinking, but the life expectancy of the average person is 67.2 years.

Yes, you are correct, but how old are you?

I am 18 and I cannot believe how fast the past 18 years of my life have gone by.

High school flashed by in the blink of an eye

And I don’t know where the first semester of my college experience has gone.

Days seem like hours, weeks like days, and months like weeks.

That’s how fast time flies

And I hate to break it to you, time only goes by faster as we get older.

My point?

If life is short, this should be all the more reason for us to focus on God.

And if life isn’t short enough as it is or if you don’t believe me,

Think about the fact that you could die prematurely.

People die every day, in car accidents, work accidents, freak accidents, and because of health problems.

Who says that that isn’t going to happen to you or me?

We like to believe that that won’t happen to us

And I really hope it doesn’t,

But we need to get over ourselves.

We aren’t invisible and we don’t live forever.

But incase it does happen, I want to make sure I am right with God

And the best way to assure that is to walk with Him each and every day,

To take time out of my “busy” schedule and devote it to him.

And our time with God is much needed.

Why?

Because we are fragile and life is unstable,

We need help to get through it all.

We need Him regularly, on a daily basis.

In addition to ourselves, people all over the world are struggling. 

People search for meaning in life. 

In the song, "It's You", Phil Joel sings, 

"It's You that I've been looking for
In worn out faces
Behind closed doors
It's You
I've been looking for

It's You that I've been trying to reach
I spent my money on beautiful things
But it's You
I've been looking for"

People search for something to fulfill them, and that something is God.

 With life being so short, 

We need to make that much more of an effort to share God with others.

You could change a life,

put a smile on someone's face again,

or even give someone a reason to live again.

Living for God,

That gives purpose to life.

 

I was talking to a friend today about my current struggles,

And she gave me the best advice, which happens to go with all of this 

(and makes a rather good closing statement).

It's short and sweet but

  It reminds me to focus on God among my "hectic" life.

"In the face of fear,

Face God.”

And to go along with that,

remember:

“Rejoice in the Lord always…Do not be anxious about anything.”

Phil. 4:4&6